Soon-to-be Revealed Obama Scandals

It wasn’t easy but I managed to find a copy of Sean Hannity’s programming for next year. It was safely wedged between Alt-Right bumper stickers and KFC body spray in the dumpster behind Fox News. What? Of course, I tried the body spray. Crispy smells way better grilled.

 

Obama Planned to Replace Armed Forces with Legions of Poets.

Some would already say he did. Transgender liberals wielding notebooks filled with un-American haiku? That’s what our underfunded gender-inclusive fighting force has succumbed to. Attack your enemy with words and melt resistance in their hearts. It almost worked too, until they discovered poetry sounded better in Arabic.

Obama Fired James Comey.

Definitely a sticking point in Mueller’s investigation into obstruction of justice is Trump’s firing of Comey. How great would it be if Obama had done it? And Obama was the one under investigation? And we could retroactively impeach him? Expect several lengthy exposes on why Obama colluded with Russia and had his daughters meet a Putin lachey in Trump Tower. Did we say Trump Tower? We meant Obama Tower. But Trump’s is bigger. Way bigger.

Obama Killed JFK… with Help from Ted Cruz’s Father.

His assault on democracy began in utero! Or when he was two, depending on your math. But he would make a cute baby distraction for Ted Cruz’s dad to show while he set up his sniper in the grassy knoll. As to how he got baby Barack from Hawaii is anyone’s guess. I suspect Sean Hannity will spend several weeks on the topic.

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Obama Paper Dolls

I went to my first white elephant gift exchange this past week. Let’s just say there was an interesting assortment of gifts: giant, boot shaped candles, singing lobsters and a Justin Bieber poster to name a few. I had my eye on something special, however.

I saw in the distance, a light part in the heavens. Lo! The founding fathers called out to me and said, “Ben, you must have this ridiculous depiction of Obama and his many suits.”

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Thus, like a cat hidden beneath an azalea bush, I waited for my moment to pounce. And believe it or not, I did not have to trade anything at all for this gem. I got to see the current President in a more revealing fashion than I thought possible or necessary.

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The little voice in my head that should have told me “stop” let me keep cutting these out.

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Isn’t he dapper?

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I’m not entirely sure what happened here. But I didn’t see a very good template for Michelle Obama. I do think Barack wears the hell out of this dress, though.

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Sometimes the Secret Service tries different disguises.

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And isn’t this one just cute?

Anyway, I feel like I made out like a bandit at this gift exchange and I’m excited for next year. Hopefully, I get first crack at that Bieber poster.