Harry Potter in Third World Translations

Harry Potter has been translated into 67 different languages. It isn’t a stretch to imagine that some of the people speaking these languages do not all like the West or America very much. It might be economic imperialism, regular imperialism, or the twice-a-day drone strikes that turn them off. I can’t be sure. Through my worldly connections however I have come across direct translations for the titles in: Urdu, Persian (Iranian), Russian, North Korean, Vietnamese, Ukranian, and Navajo Indian.

1.) Harry Potter and the Philosophers that Weep for America

2.) Harry Potter and the Chamber of the White Devil

3.) Harry Potter and the Highest Prison Population in the Western World:
How Sirius Black Escaped Guantanamo Bay!

4.) Harry Potter and the Goblet of Unfair Trade Agreements

5.) Harry Potter and the Order at McDonalds That Expands Your Waistline and the American Hegemon

6.) Harry Potter and the Half-blood Banking Institutions

7.) Harry Potter and the Deathly Drone Strikes

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The 36 Questions That Lead to Nerd Love

I read an article in the New York Times about falling in love. It claims intimacy between two strangers can be accelerated by asking 36 questions. There’s a lot of talk about mutual vulnerability and stuff like that. The questions themselves are BORING and not very satisfying for nerds. I decided to make them more relevant.

Set I

  1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you eat burritos with?
  2. Would you like eternal glory? If it meant getting bit by a vampire?
  3. Before sending an emotional tweet, do you ever rehearse what you are going to write? Why?
  4. What would constitute a “supercalifragilistic” day for you?
  5. When did you last hum the theme from Star Wars?
  6. If you were able to live to the age of 100, would you still be able to throw a precious diamond into the ocean?
  7. In what heroic fashion do you see your own death?
  8. Name three super powers you and your partner appear to have in common.
  9. For what in your fictional life at Hogwarts do you feel most grateful?
  10. If you could change anything about the way Katniss Everdeen was raised in the Hunger Games, what would it be?
  11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story (real or imagined) in as much detail as possible.
  12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one wizard power, what would it be?

Set II

  1. If Professor Trelawney could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know? Would you see the grim?
  2. Is there any ride at Disney World you’ve dreamed of riding for a long time? Why haven’t you rode it?
  3. What is the greatest accomplishment of your pet’s life?
  4. What do you value most in the friendship between Harry, Ron and Hermione?
  5. What is your most treasured memory from reading a novel?
  6. What is your most terrible memory from reading a novel?
  7. If you knew that in one year you would be done in by Lord Voldemort, would you change anything about the way you are using magic? Or do you not believe in prophecies?
  8. Can Death Eaters have friends?
  9. What roles do love and affection have in your cosplay?
  10. Alternate sharing something you consider makes your partner a good nerd. Share a total of five items.
  11. Is your family more like the Weasleys or Malfoys? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most Muggles?
  12. How do you feel about your relationship with Remus Lupin?

Set III

  1. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both watching the Hobbit trilogy and feel … “
  2. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could battle … “
  3. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know about time travel.
  4. Tell your partner what you like about Middle Earth; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.
  5. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment you might have as an elf.
  6. When did you last cry in front of a Disney movie? By yourself?
  7. Tell your partner something that you like about pointy ears.
  8. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about? Note: If their answer is anything other than the death of a fictional character, they might not be the one for you.
  9. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told Bilbo Baggins?
  10. Your favorite franchise catches fire. After saving actors and movie props, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
  11. Of all the people in Harry Potter, whose death did you find most disturbing? Why?
  12. Share a continuity problem in the last film you saw and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

Suicide Pact

SUICIDE PACT

CHARACTERS

VINCE
THRASH

SETTING
A small apartment with a broken television.

4881044352_c3fa382630_z
Image Source: Flickr

(VINCE sits next to THRASH on the floor. They flip through bills, most with FINAL NOTICE written on them.)

VINCE: Thrash, we’re never gonna make it as artists.

THRASH: Don’t say that, man. I think my sculpting will really take off.

VINCE: No one sculpts, Thrash and no one’s gonna read my poetry.

THRASH: We just gotta keep at it.

VINCE: You said that six years ago when we moved to New York.

THRASH: It’s still true.

VINCE: It isn’t Thrash. No one ever lives to see themselves famous.

THRASH: So what do you suggest? Suicide?

VINCE: Yes, actually.

(THRASH gets out his cell-phone.)

What are you doing?

THRASH: I’m calling the hotline. You’re talking to them.

VINCE: No, I’m not. Think about it, Thrash. Every famous artist killed themselves before making it big.

THRASH: Edgar Allen Poe didn’t.

VINCE: He drank himself to death. Same difference.

THRASH: (putting away cell-phone.) So, we kill ourselves?

VINCE: Yes, but the death has to be memorable.

THRASH: We could do a bunch of drugs.

VINCE: Can’t afford it.

THRASH: Stick our heads in the oven?

VINCE: Sylvia Plath already did it. We don’t wanna be posers.

THRASH: (indignant.) Well, I’ve listed two. Why don’t you suggest something?

VINCE: I could brick you into a wall.

THRASH: Come, on! That was Poe’s short story. And you accuse me of being unoriginal?

VINCE: Okay, I’ve got it. We lie down in the middle of the road and wait for a truck.

THRASH: Won’t that hurt?

VINCE: Not very long.

(Pause.)

THRASH: What if we eat each other?

VINCE: It could work.

THRASH: The whole art world will be talking about those two roommates who ate each other.

VINCE: And of course they’ll want to buy our sculptures and poetry. We’ll be novelties.

THRASH: Who goes first?

VINCE: I’ll start on your leg. (He goes toward a drawer in the kitchen.) It should be the most appetizing part.

THRASH: I think I should start eating you first.

VINCE: (closing drawer.) Why’s that?

THRASH: You’re a lot fatter.

VINCE: Screw that, you got ten pounds on me.

THRASH: We’ll never decide who eats the other. Let’s flip a coin.

VINCE: I’ve got a better idea.

THRASH: What?

VINCE: Let’s go on a killing spree. That way we live and other people die.

THRASH: But no one remembered Manson for his music.

VINCE: They still remembered him.

THRASH: I won’t look good with a swastika carved into my forehead.

VINCE: I’ll do it for you. My geometry teacher always liked the way I drew lines.

THRASH: Okay, let’s do this.

VINCE: I’ll get the car.

THRASH: It doesn’t run.

VINCE: Shoelace express?

THRASH: No way. We’re doing this rampage on roller skates.

THRASH: That’s dope.

THE END

© Ben Ditmars 2014

Perspectives on a Glass

A glass of water is left on the table. The following observations are made.

Optimist: this glass is half-full.

Pessimist: this glass is half-empty.

Realist: (pointing) this is H20.

Idealist: society should fill this glass.

Robin: holy missing liquid, Batman!

Batman: yes, Robin, it appears some dastardly criminal has made off with most of this refreshing beverage.

The Joker: I poured precious water down the drain. Soon Gotham will be drowning in it.

Announcer: can Batman stop the Joker? What has he got planned? Tune in tomorrow!

Bartender: so that’s where I left the damn glass.

exit eclectic cast of characters.

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