Tag: comedy

Explaining Coffee to Future Humans.

“So, we put beans in the water to wake up.”

 

“Why beans? You have the miraculous gift of water and you put beans in it?”

 

“We have to wake up.”

 

“Were early humans plagued with sleep disorders?”

 

“Yes, but that’s an entirely different topic.”

 

“The only motivation we need to wake up is escaping the laser ants.”

 

“Laser ants?”

 

“Yeah, they come at 4:30 in the morning and destroy everything.”

 

“Sounds like a terrifying alarm clock.”

 

“What’s an alarm clock?”

 

“It’s a machine that wakes us up. It makes loud noises.”

 

“The laser ants do that too. Also, the children screaming… you should really be glad the process is automated.”

 

“I wish there was something we could do in the past for you.”

 

“There is. Live every day like it’s your last. And avoid promises from experimental humans promising ant-like powers.”

 

“Why would anyone want ant powers?”

 

“They don’t look it, but they can really dig trenches between the U.S. and Mexico. Or as we know them, McWasteland and the Smoking Sombrero Heap.”

 

“That’s racist.”

 

“We don’t have racism in the future.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Yeah, we’ve been charred beyond all recognition. I kind of miss it.”

 

“I’ll tell you what. Let’s try coffee. You might like it.”

 

“Does it require annual tribute in sugar cubes?”

 

“Of course not. They take green paper.”

 

“Paper!? What rubes.”

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My Gameplan for the Apocalypse

Since everyone is doing it, I thought it right to detail my plans for the end of society. What’s that? Of course, it’s vogue. If there’s one thing it’s Ben Ditmars knows, it’s what’s vogue. And if there are two things I know, it’s probably how off-putting third-person portrayals can be. Regardless, in the events that follow, I will have a full-proof survival strategy: unless Pet Rocks arrive from the ’80s with revenge in their hearts.

  1. Zombie or Large-Scale Epidemic
    Assuming the Umbrella Corporation buys Dow Chemicals or acquires a massive government contract, we can expect human experimentation that will lead to murderous monsters. It’s just good business. And my chance at living out the future my adolescence prepared me for. How would I survive? There wouldn’t be near enough bullets or hedge clippers to go Tallahassee from the movie Zombieland. I would have to improvise and cure all the deformed hippies being vagrants in my yard. First, I would go to the medicine cabinet and find the rubbing alcohol. Then scream about cotton balls. Why are they never where I left them? Once I tore the bathroom apart like the undead monsters I want to re-kill, the alcohol goes on the cotton balls. Then, BAM! I stand on the roof and huck them at passing brain Nazis. You know it will work, because rubbing alcohol is good at killing bacteria – and probably the T-Virus.
  2. Asteroid or Comet Collision
    There aren’t many places you can hide when the earth has angry sex with a space rock. My initial reaction might be to seek high ground as the oceans engulf my last hope for Chicken McNuggets (I don’t miss them now, but I know after the earth has descended into eternal darkness I will want the flavor only processed meat dipped in ranch dressing can provide). My best bet? I’ve long suspected the highest setting on my ceiling fan has  a greater purpose than shaking the walls like a demonic helicopter. Obviously the creators of this contraption never intended any mere mortal to pull the cord three times. If I so dare (an am worthy of this Zeus-like power) the upward force of my fan should push the asteroid to another unsuspecting solar system, preferably without fans of their own.
  3. Trump Becoming President
    The Donald receiving the Republican nomination for President of the United States is scary enough, let alone him actually fitting his hair into Oval Office. There is an easier solution than living under a demagogue bent on denying basic freedoms to Muslims and women. Mexico pays to build the wall… around Trump. Think about it: Trump gets to rant all he wants and we don’t have to hear him speak. His supporters can hop in Cask of Amontilado style as we brick them in. They can even go down in the manner of Pharoahs with their life-size love-dolls of David Duke and copies of Mein Kampf.
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Signs Our Sun is Middle-Aged

5 billion years old and 5 billion years left.

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Image Source: Flickr

 

  1. Traded its cool sunglasses for Aviators.

  2. Passed over for promotion to “regular star” at work.

  3. Telling planets to “get off its lawn.”

  4. Complains about low-H.

  5. Naps during solar flares.

  6. Receding helium.

  7. Recovering from bad divorce with Alpha Centauri.

  8. Insists pulsars turn down “infernal” frequencies.

  9. Exchanged asteroid belt for sweatpants.

  10. Calls Neptune when it wants Pluto.

 

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Highlights of 2015

2015 has all but come and gone. Let’s take a look at some of the headlines that made it happen:

10. Adele is the Oprah of music.  (I see the Adele Network in her future.)

9. Gwen Stefani realized for the first time since she hated me that she used to love me. (Because Used to Love You has Ben Ditmars written all over it.)

8. Secure servers do not refer to beach volleyball. Politicians should not shout their personal information across the court while playing. (Yes. That means you, Hillary.)

7. ISIS is a terrorist organization. The CIA suspects its supporters enjoy Faygo and responding to, “whoop, whoop” calls. Please report any and all insane clown activities.

6. Muslims ban all billionaire blowhards with fake hair. Oh, wait.

5. Bruce Jenner becomes first Kardashian woman with accomplishments. The world quickly implodes.

4. The Force Awakens… as do Furries with a Wookie fetish.

3. Despite recent Supreme Court decision, Katniss does not marry Greasy Sae in Hunger Games. Peeta rejoices and bakes bread.

2. The Dab and Nay Nay continue to perplex older white men.

1. Clemson coach Swinney refuses comment on demon butcher accusations. (But we all know he served more than pizza to the fans.)

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Prison Pact

I published two short plays last year involving wannabe outlaws Vince and Thrash. They usually try to break the law and become infamous in the process.  It never quite works out and last time we saw them they were arrested for domestic disturbance. This is the next chapter in their saga: Prison Pact.

Read the first two: Suicide Pact, Murder Pact

*

PRISON PACT

CHARACTERS

VINCE
THRASH
POLICEMAN

SETTING
County jail cell with a bed and toilet.

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Image Source: Flickr

(VINCE sits on the toilet holding a Pogo stick.)

VINCE: We’ve done it now, Thrash. It’s the Green Mile for us.

POLICEMAN: You’re not in prison. It’s a jail cell.

VINCE: Won’t be long now.

THRASH: Do you think we get a last meal?

VINCE: Hopefully, it’s something sweet like the outside air.

THRASH: The sweet air of freedom. Heavenly, ain’t it boss?

POLICEMAN: You’ve been in here less than an hour for domestic disturbance.

VINCE: But it feels like years weighed heavy on my soul.

THRASH: Sinner’s never prosper, mama used to say.

VINCE: And we’re the sinners, never prospered.

THRASH: Amen, Vince.

(Vince starts playing harmonica.)

POLICEMAN: Where on earth did you get a harmonica? I searched you before you went in.

VINCE: It’s just something us lifers take to.

THRASH: I’m starting to feel old, Vince.

VINCE: Do you think we should join the Aryan nation? Or convert to Islam?

THRASH: I don’t know. We could ask that gentleman on the bed.

VINCE: He looks deep in contemplation.

POLICEMAN: He was arrested for drunk driving. He’s passed out drunk.

VINCE: Or he’s slowly using a rock hammer to bust out.

POLICEMAN: By the time he wakes up, he’ll want to use a hammer on his own head.

THRASH: I think we could bust out.

VINCE: It could work. We didn’t make it as famous artists or murderers.

THRASH: Unless, you count that squirrel.

VINCE: We will send his mother acorns after we break out.

THRASH: But, how? The bastille is impenetrable.

VINCE: I learned some tricks watching Mythbusters. We casually ask the guard for some salsa and BAM! In five to twelve years, we’re through the wall.

POLICEMAN: I can hear you plotting. Perhaps you could talk quieter?

THRASH: No thank you. We want this breakout to be infamous.

VINCE: You’ll have the honor of telling our story.

Policeman: Oh, Lord.

(Policeman stands up.)

Maybe I should check on you two.

(Policeman approaches to find two mannequins and an empty jar of salsa.)

*

THE END?

© Ben Ditmars 2015

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And Now the Last Thoughts of The Elder Wand from Harry Potter

You’re breaking up with me!? I just killed friggin’ Voldemort!  Remember that?  Peeves sang Voldy’s gone moldy, and everyone hugged.  It was like the best moment ever and we totally shared it, dude.  The only thing missing were ewoks, but I could have conjured those too, because I’m the Elder Wand.  See what you’re missing?  You ain’t never had a friend like me…. Please don’t put me back in the grave.  It’s creepy.  I can change.  I didn’t even kill anyone the last time I switched owners.  Psychologists call that personal growth.  And it was all you, buddy.  Why don’t you sleep on it?  It’s not like anyone knows you have the most powerful wand in the world.  Except for the entire castle and soon-to-be convicted criminals you told.  But, hey, why sleep when I can turn pincushions into penguins?  It won’t even be hard.  You just say pincushion, penguin and it’s there, babe.  Let’s go for a magic carpet ride and sing Aladdin songs.  I can totally make Disney movies come to life.  It’s true.  You don’t like how Bambi’s mom died?  Boom.  She’s alive again.  Maybe you want to see Finding Dory a couple years early? Hey, I’ll summon a Tardis.  There’s nothing we can’t do.   Unless you want to cure hiccups.  I mean, I can try, but you’ve still got to hold your breath or get scared.

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Rejected State Mottos for Ohio

10.) So, yeah. That’s a buckeye.

9.) Home of the Only State Pennant Flag.

8.) We Get Points for the Pennant Flag, Right?

7.) How Cool is a River on Fire!? Less Cool than the Pollution that Caused It?

6.) Birthplace of Aviation. You Can Run to Kitty Hawk But We Still Own Your Souls, Wright Brothers. Muahaha

5.) Did I Mention the Pennant Flag?

4.) Ohio Derives from the Word “good river” Because It Never Got Better.

3.) Seven Presidents You’ve Never Heard Of (They’re Kind of a Big Deal).

2.) Don’t Feed the Browns Fans. It Gives them False Hope.

1.) Feel Free to Say “What in Carnation” and Feel Clever. It’s Our State Flower.

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Horcrux Math

Something has always bothered me about Voldemort’s horcruxes in Harry Potter, apart from the murder. The books seemed to allude that Voldemort split his soul into eight equal parts. Maybe souls don’t follow the same laws of nature as everything else, but it would seem to me that if you split your soul in half, you would only maintain one-half. And if you split that half again, you would retain one-fourth and so-on and so-forth. Thus, the potency of horcruxes created should be less, which seems to almost ring true if you look at the level of defenses they provided. The diary put up a far larger fight than the cup or diadem. It’s almost as if the ones he created earlier had greater ability to feel. Anyway, that’s my two sickles and a knut. I’ll leave you with some math as a caution against creating your own horcruxes.

Horcrux Fraction Left Percentage Left
1.     Diary ½ 50%
2.     Ring ¼ 25%
3.     Locket 1/8 12.5%
4.     Cup 1/16 6.25%
5.     Diadem 1/32 3.13%
6.     Harry Potter 1/64 1.56%
7.     Nagini 1/128 0.78%
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Harry Potter in Third World Translations

Harry Potter has been translated into 67 different languages. It isn’t a stretch to imagine that some of the people speaking these languages do not all like the West or America very much. It might be economic imperialism, regular imperialism, or the twice-a-day drone strikes that turn them off. I can’t be sure. Through my worldly connections however I have come across direct translations for the titles in: Urdu, Persian (Iranian), Russian, North Korean, Vietnamese, Ukranian, and Navajo Indian.

1.) Harry Potter and the Philosophers that Weep for America

2.) Harry Potter and the Chamber of the White Devil

3.) Harry Potter and the Highest Prison Population in the Western World:
How Sirius Black Escaped Guantanamo Bay!

4.) Harry Potter and the Goblet of Unfair Trade Agreements

5.) Harry Potter and the Order at McDonalds That Expands Your Waistline and the American Hegemon

6.) Harry Potter and the Half-blood Banking Institutions

7.) Harry Potter and the Deathly Drone Strikes

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