After the horrific events at Stoneman Douglas I began a letter writing campaign. Each day for seventeen days I would write my congressmen about a victim from the school demanding preventative action. I tried to write each day, imagining the pain of losing students or family members. Instead, I learned something personal about Miguel, Joaquin, Cara, Carmen, Aaron, Alaina, Nicholas, Alyssa, Alex, Gina, Jaime, Scott, Peter, Chris, Luke, Meadow and Helena. Whether it was Meadow’s ambition to attend Lynn University in the fall or Helena saving her friend’s life by telling her to get a book and protect herself, these fourteen students and three teachers will always be remembered. We owe it to them and their sacrifice to not forget.
It wasn’t easy but I managed to find a copy of Sean Hannity’s programming for next year. It was safely wedged between Alt-Right bumper stickers and KFC body spray in the dumpster behind Fox News. What? Of course, I tried the body spray. Crispy smells way better grilled.
Obama Planned to Replace Armed Forces with Legions of Poets.
Some would already say he did. Transgender liberals wielding notebooks filled with un-American haiku? That’s what our underfunded gender-inclusive fighting force has succumbed to. Attack your enemy with words and melt resistance in their hearts. It almost worked too, until they discovered poetry sounded better in Arabic.
Obama Fired James Comey.
Definitely a sticking point in Mueller’s investigation into obstruction of justice is Trump’s firing of Comey. How great would it be if Obama had done it? And Obama was the one under investigation? And we could retroactively impeach him? Expect several lengthy exposes on why Obama colluded with Russia and had his daughters meet a Putin lachey in Trump Tower. Did we say Trump Tower? We meant Obama Tower. But Trump’s is bigger. Way bigger.
Obama Killed JFK… with Help from Ted Cruz’s Father.
His assault on democracy began in utero! Or when he was two, depending on your math. But he would make a cute baby distraction for Ted Cruz’s dad to show while he set up his sniper in the grassy knoll. As to how he got baby Barack from Hawaii is anyone’s guess. I suspect Sean Hannity will spend several weeks on the topic.
i have been busy
writing poetry by sight
and sound – observing
fire and the fury
without words –
somehow less is more
than we deserve,
another Vicodin replacing cigarettes
when death is near enough
to Bedminster, Mar a Lago or
his tower –
it will be a national emergency.
© Ben Ditmars 2017
I messed around with an avatar and GIF creator called Powerpuff yourself. It’s where you make yourself into one of the characters from the cartoon Powerpuff Girls on Cartoon Network. It got me thinking, though. If I intentionally made four racial stereotypes and mixed them with five randomly generated, could others tell which? I guess it’s a test to see how color and/or race blind we are. See how you do.
Since everyone is doing it, I thought it right to detail my plans for the end of society. What’s that? Of course, it’s vogue. If there’s one thing it’s Ben Ditmars knows, it’s what’s vogue. And if there are two things I know, it’s probably how off-putting third-person portrayals can be. Regardless, in the events that follow, I will have a full-proof survival strategy: unless Pet Rocks arrive from the ’80s with revenge in their hearts.
- Zombie or Large-Scale Epidemic
Assuming the Umbrella Corporation buys Dow Chemicals or acquires a massive government contract, we can expect human experimentation that will lead to murderous monsters. It’s just good business. And my chance at living out the future my adolescence prepared me for. How would I survive? There wouldn’t be near enough bullets or hedge clippers to go Tallahassee from the movie Zombieland. I would have to improvise and cure all the deformed hippies being vagrants in my yard. First, I would go to the medicine cabinet and find the rubbing alcohol. Then scream about cotton balls. Why are they never where I left them? Once I tore the bathroom apart like the undead monsters I want to re-kill, the alcohol goes on the cotton balls. Then, BAM! I stand on the roof and huck them at passing brain Nazis. You know it will work, because rubbing alcohol is good at killing bacteria – and probably the T-Virus.
- Asteroid or Comet Collision
There aren’t many places you can hide when the earth has angry sex with a space rock. My initial reaction might be to seek high ground as the oceans engulf my last hope for Chicken McNuggets (I don’t miss them now, but I know after the earth has descended into eternal darkness I will want the flavor only processed meat dipped in ranch dressing can provide). My best bet? I’ve long suspected the highest setting on my ceiling fan has a greater purpose than shaking the walls like a demonic helicopter. Obviously the creators of this contraption never intended any mere mortal to pull the cord three times. If I so dare (an am worthy of this Zeus-like power) the upward force of my fan should push the asteroid to another unsuspecting solar system, preferably without fans of their own.
- Trump Becoming President
The Donald receiving the Republican nomination for President of the United States is scary enough, let alone him actually fitting his hair into Oval Office. There is an easier solution than living under a demagogue bent on denying basic freedoms to Muslims and women. Mexico pays to build the wall… around Trump. Think about it: Trump gets to rant all he wants and we don’t have to hear him speak. His supporters can hop in Cask of Amontilado style as we brick them in. They can even go down in the manner of Pharoahs with their life-size love-dolls of David Duke and copies of Mein Kampf.
2015 has all but come and gone. Let’s take a look at some of the headlines that made it happen:
10. Adele is the Oprah of music. (I see the Adele Network in her future.)
9. Gwen Stefani realized for the first time since she hated me that she used to love me. (Because Used to Love You has Ben Ditmars written all over it.)
8. Secure servers do not refer to beach volleyball. Politicians should not shout their personal information across the court while playing. (Yes. That means you, Hillary.)
7. ISIS is a terrorist organization. The CIA suspects its supporters enjoy Faygo and responding to, “whoop, whoop” calls. Please report any and all insane clown activities.
6. Muslims ban all billionaire blowhards with fake hair. Oh, wait.
5. Bruce Jenner becomes first Kardashian woman with accomplishments. The world quickly implodes.
4. The Force Awakens… as do Furries with a Wookie fetish.
3. Despite recent Supreme Court decision, Katniss does not marry Greasy Sae in Hunger Games. Peeta rejoices and bakes bread.
2. The Dab and Nay Nay continue to perplex older white men.
1. Clemson coach Swinney refuses comment on demon butcher accusations. (But we all know he served more than pizza to the fans.)