Have you ever been on a date you felt really well about, but it turns out the other party did not? I might be the poster child for this feeling. Honestly, why am I surprised when a girl drops off the face of the earth after one, two, or even three dates? Nevertheless, I can’t help but wonder what happened. I think it’s human nature to seek closure. So, I’ve collected the most plausible explanations for why my last date (I’ll call her Hermione) has not responded to texts or phone calls for the past week:
15. She was abducted by aliens who periodically update her social media accounts.
I don’t try to be a creeper but a guy notices after he’s seen someone for a while. And if the History Channel has taught me anything it’s that the most logical explanation for any uncertainty involves probing and interstellar spacecraft.
14. I was sucked into a parallel universe where we never dated and Donald Trump wants to be President.
It kind of feels that way, when things are going good and you’re really into someone. It suddenly stops and you’re left thinking reality has disintegrated in some fashion. Trump talking on the television does not help matters.
13. Hermione is actually a superhero trying to protect me from an assortment of villains.
Now, if I could believe any of these, it might be this one. I have seen A LOT of superhero films and I would feel comfortable knowing she had my safety in mind. Plus, the Green Goblin freaks me out.
12. Her Hogwarts acceptance letter came and she chose magic over being a Muggle.
Building on the last, I can totally understand the desire to perform spells and spontaneously appear places. I’m a pretty sweet guy, but I can’t find you a real unicorn.
11. Doctor Who enlisted her as a new companion.
Zipping around the galaxy? I really think we could have done this Amy and Rory style, Hermione.
10. A higher power called and she’s building a MySpace page for Jesus.
Pamphlets will soon follow.
9. She’s joined the Borg collective.
Ironically, she never tried to assimilate me.
8. She’s secretly a cylon.
I didn’t get a chance to check her programming, but earth might be in danger.
7. The internet absorbed her like the TV in Poltergeist.
If she’s avoiding the light, it would explain her reluctance to return my texts.
6. George R.R. Martin named a character after her and now she’s dead.
Martin really does kill everyone. Women you go on dates with are no exception.
5. Spontaneous vacation to Alderaan. Oops.
I tried to tell her the Death Star was ready, but she stopped responding.
4. She volunteered as tribute in the Hunger Games.
But, hey, she’s happy with Peeta. I just need to find my Katniss. Or Luna Lovegood.
3. She’s on the run from Terminators.
I can forgive her for this lapse. Clearly, we’ve all been on the run from murderous cyborgs. Most of us just call them bill collectors.
2. A vindictive dinosaur took her captive
Unfortunately, I’m not a plumber…
1. Ganon has the Triforce.
Holy shit. There’s only one option when Hyrule is in danger. Get on Epona and ride!