The Late Great Ben Ditmars

On my deathbed in 2584:

Holographic News Anchor: Ben Ditmars, having invented flying broomsticks, and pioneered quidditch for realsies in 2230, is about to die. Naturally, the deaths of all famous celebrities are streamed live on intergalactic holovision, formerly known as TMZ. Let’s capture his last words.

Ben: Hello, Holographic News Anchor.

Holographic News Anchor: Hello, Ben. How are you feeling?

Ben: I’m about to die, but it could be worse.

Holographic News Anchor: How’s that?

Ben: My soul could be split into eight pieces.

Holographic News Anchor: That would be a buzz kill- which is actually a form of brutal execution in the future. Do you have any regrets?

Ben: Regrets? No, none of my own.

Holographic News Anchor: But you have someone else’s?

Ben: Of course. I have collected many regrets from fictional characters. And I never got over the ending for Corpse Bride. He should have chosen the Corpse Bride.

Holographic News Anchor: I have access to the Wikipedia and refute your claim. Victor had a life to live, you see.

Ben: The Corpse Bride was quirky and hot. Screw being mortal.

Holographic News Anchor: Any other fictional regrets?

Ben: Yes, I think Snape should have been nicer to Harry.

Holographic News Anchor: But, Voldemort would have seen it in his mind!

Ben: That’s true, but when he was dying, he could have thrown in “my son” or “I love you.”

Holographic News Anchor: That is inconsistent with his character’s development!

Ben: You know a lot about culture in the early 2000s for a hologram in the present.

Holographic News Anchor: Don’t tell anyone, but (takes off a mask.) I’m J.K. Rowling. I’ve come to tell you how awesome you are. Also, how sorry I am for killing everyone.

Ben: I knew it! So you do regret killing Dobby, Hedwig, Sirius, Lupin, Tonks, and Fred?

J.K. Rowling: Yes, yes, the books. Everyone remembers the books and not my tyrannical reign as Queen of Scotland.

Ben: I didn’t know you were Queen of Scotland. Or there was one.

J.K. Rowling: That’s because I invented it and fled for Jupiter the next day. Let’s just say, I got in a bad place with some Highlanders, and thought 4,000,000 horcruxes might save me.

Ben: Highlanders are real too!?

J.K. Rowling: Yes, but don’t tell anyone.

Ben: I’m about to die and we’re on intergalactic holovision.

J.K. Rowling: I thought this through about as well as I did the time turners in Prisoner of Azkaban.

Ben: How will you make people forget it?

J.K. Rowling: I’ll just add something on Pottermore tomorrow and come out with a new movie. People love new movies.

(The heart monitor starts sounding erratically.)

Ben: Well, I guess this is the part where I blow up.

Buzz Lightyear: Not today!

(Buzz uses his laser.)

Ben: Now I can live another fifty thousand years!

Buzz Lightyear: Exactly, because lasers really do light up in the future! Unfortunately, I’m still not a flying toy.

Ben: Freaking science.

Buzz Lightyear: I know, right!?

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